Today is boring in fact...I think I'll mark it on my calendar

The thought is in my mind...almost constantly and it's tempting however not so tempting that i'm blinded by what if's...I'm taking everything into consideration...

As of now i've decided not to let myself think about too much right now...The whole damn situation is bad right now. I'm positive of that...

                      The rest needs to be said not typed...

                  ~RANDOM subject changes may be frequent...~

      Sometimes i feel like i know exactly whats going on and other times i feel so much that i find myself guessing at what im not making up...It's insane. i started out lying a lot last year and that carried over to now. I guess i wanted to make myself more interesting or something...half the time i know it isnt necessary to lie but i still do and im not sure why. I've made so many xangas in failing attempts to let my stress out...or whatever it is that im feeling.

      I have the hardest time geting to sleep at night and i dont know if its normal and im making something out of nothing or what but i hate it. I find myself thinking and i end up questioning everything around me. I've found that questions are similar to lies...one leads to more. I guess you could say that I'm addicted to them and I'm trying to make up my own little "rehab" in a way...I tend to over-dramatize pretty much everything and that doesnt exactly lend a helping hand to my situation but thats alright...i suppose. Which brings me to another topic well...not really my mind just skipped to a question.

    How is anyone supposed to get to know me if I am never myself? which in turn brings me to another question...How am i supposed to be myself when I'm really not all that sure of who that is?

    I know that I was very close to that moved away last year. Well, to tell you the truth i wasnt all that close to him however, phone conversations brought us "closer" in a sense...I was what i guess wouldnt really be considered "with" him for practically a year not counting a few times we broke up. But, he was (well...still is so far away) that i think it may be a little better to post-pone (spell) those feelings. He said that he could visit for a weekend and but as much as i want to see him and even though i would be extremely happy to see him i dont even want to try to imagine how hard it would be to say goodbye after seeing him for one day after not seeing him at all for about a yearand a half...OH and that brings me to something that only complicates things more yay...i love how there always seems to be more and more and MORE with me...I have a boyfriend and it's not mr. far far away. You see the thing is mr. far away and i broke up a good while ago...somewhere around december i believe and i've been with someone else since about then...

      For some reason i keep picturing myself with mr. far away (as i've decided to name him on here) later on in life and being happy but i mean i dont want to put him through the STRESS that goes into being in a longdistance relationship now and i really dont want to have that either...still those feelings linger...and i feel that if we lived closer to each other...it could work out SO well..i guess what i want now is to further develope my relationship with mr. far away as a friend...i dont know if it would be possible but, i wantto really know him and he's such an awsome person...I'm not saying that i want him to put any possible people aside for me i guess i want him to be comfortable enough talking to me that he could talk about anything even a relationship he may be in freely without having to wory about saying the wrong thing or all of those other things that im guessing he worries about now and...well, that i worry about...